Sometimes you just have to own it
Well it's the first day of a new year. One that I HOPE brings everyone more healing vibes. 2024 wasn't my year and if I really think back, 2023 was a shit show from November into January of 2024.
So i didn't want to start the new year holding any grudges. I wanted to shake all the horrid things off of me before going to bed. I wanted to wake up knowing, well at least i TRIED. I know I've hurt folks and I'm not going to act like that didn't crush my soul. The only way I've ever been able to survive is to use my words. I used my words in ways that harmed those that did not deserve it. Mind you there are some that I'll never look at again, but to the folks I reached out to before the clock hit midnight. I truly hope you understand I did not mean to harm you with my only coping mechanism. When my heart breaks, it BREAKS. It's been broken over and over again since November of 2023 and the hurt just kept coming. I take the blame for allowing others into my life, but that doesn't absolve ME for the harsh words and things I said. I've always self sabotaged my life in ways you'd never imagine. If I ever felt like someone was getting too close to me I would immediately cut them off. I was a PRO at that. Ask my husband. He was on the receiving end of that. But, my husband did something that only a few others have ever done. He told me to shut up and stop acting like a spoiled brat. He told me he didn't care what I did to push him away, he was NOT going anywhere so I could just stop acting out because I needed to LEARN how to have an adult relationship. He's my person for a reason. He's also a saint. So to wrap this up. I know I won't be accepted with wide open arms. I know everyone has every right to keep me at arms length. Hell I want to keep myself there. I am trying though. I am trying to undo two years of being diagnosed with one thing on top of another. And if I'm being honest, a lot of it has to do with the space I have lived in my entire life. I have never come to terms with the loss of my friends, and while I keep saying I'm fighting for THEM, I need to take time to truly mourn them and move forward in a way that would make them proud of me. My trauma has been a driving decision for me my entire life, and advocating to save kids just like my friends just cut too damn deep.
Fire Away
