To that little girl that had great big aspirations, you never gave up.
Sometimes you just have to own it
I know I won't be accepted with wide open arms. I know everyone has every right to keep me at arms length. Hell I want to keep myself there. I am trying though. I am trying to undo two years of being diagnosed with one thing on top of another. And if I'm being honest, a lot of it has to do with the space I have lived in my entire life. I have never come to terms with the loss of my friends, and while I keep saying I'm fighting for THEM, I need to take time to truly mourn them and move forward in a way that would make them proud of me. My trauma has been a driving decision for me my entire life, and advocating to save kids just like my friends just cut too damn deep.
Well it's the first day of a new year. One that I HOPE brings everyone more healing vibes. 2024 wasn't my year and if I really think back, 2023 was a shit show from November into January of 2024.
So i didn't want to start the new year holding any grudges. I wanted to shake all the horrid things off of me before going to bed. I wanted to wake up knowing, well at least i TRIED. I know I've hurt folks and I'm not going to act like that didn't crush my soul. The only way I've ever been able to survive is to use my words. I used my words in ways that harmed those that did not deserve it. Mind you there are some that I'll never look at again, but to the folks I reached out to before the clock hit midnight. I truly hope you understand I did not mean to harm you with my only coping mechanism. When my heart breaks, it BREAKS. It's been broken over and over again since November of 2023 and the hurt just kept coming. I take the blame for allowing others into my life, but that doesn't absolve ME for the harsh words and things I said. I've always self sabotaged my life in ways you'd never imagine. If I ever felt like someone was getting too close to me I would immediately cut them off. I was a PRO at that. Ask my husband. He was on the receiving end of that. But, my husband did something that only a few others have ever done. He told me to shut up and stop acting like a spoiled brat. He told me he didn't care what I did to push him away, he was NOT going anywhere so I could just stop acting out because I needed to LEARN how to have an adult relationship. He's my person for a reason. He's also a saint. So to wrap this up. I know I won't be accepted with wide open arms. I know everyone has every right to keep me at arms length. Hell I want to keep myself there. I am trying though. I am trying to undo two years of being diagnosed with one thing on top of another. And if I'm being honest, a lot of it has to do with the space I have lived in my entire life. I have never come to terms with the loss of my friends, and while I keep saying I'm fighting for THEM, I need to take time to truly mourn them and move forward in a way that would make them proud of me. My trauma has been a driving decision for me my entire life, and advocating to save kids just like my friends just cut too damn deep.
Fire Away
The time it takes to let go
A month ago my entire world was turned upside down and I can’t say that I’ve been able to “land on my feet” as I usually do. Not this time. This time it’s been nonstop chaos and absolutely NOTHING has been done to help me heal.
On November 18th after spending two weeks trying to figure out why I couldn’t get anyone at my place of employment to help me, I followed my physicians advice. I followed HR’s advice. I called UNUM to make sure I qualified for FMLA and disability to which they said yes I did. My boss immediately approved my request because he wanted me gone that badly in hopes he’d salvage his reputation. Unfortunately the exact opposite happened for him and because of that he’s continued to prevent me from being able to move on and heal. I’m on disability because I was diagnosed with PTSD again. Let that sink in. My original PTSD diagnosis was incited by a rouge superintendent who was torturing my son. Then out of nowhere another random superintendent decided he’d do the same, only this time this one chose to throw lawyers at us for something we did not do.
Yes that’s him. He’s a miserable POS who glared at a 13 year old girl while she told everyone at a BOE meeting what the kids inside his district were really dealing with. That face was the same face he made back in July before he went on an unhinged rant about something he said the stakeholders didn’t pay for. Which we quickly found out was not true.
The truth is, everything I’ve posted has been collected from a variety of websites dedicated to financial transparency for schools here in Georgia. I mean their own website directs you to something a district isn’t in the habit of telling the public to look at. It holds a plethora of information. Public documents for how much folks get paid. Budgets and Audits etc. I can’t say I’ve ever come across a district that wanted to be THAT transparent only for it to backfire so gloriously. This human up there truly thinks he has complete immunity from being held accountable. He also doesn’t like to be questioned. He really doesn’t it like when those questions come from women. It’s not as if he didn’t know who I was. I walked away from his district in 2023 when I had two of my friends unenroll their kids from his schools. The kids were spiraling as were their moms. I simply couldn’t allow that to happen anymore. Those kids were going through far too much and I wasn’t going to risk losing them. I never like telling my moms it’s time to bail, but in a district with zero access to the appropriate education they need, homeschooling is the only route to take. And I absolutely hate that!
I have all the time in the world to explain what my life has been like since July. Lord knows I’m not working anymore and I damn sure don’t have a source of income due to the events that have occurred. I wanna say thanks to this lovely hellscape of a school district thinking their superintendent turns water into wine. I’d also like to give the GaDOE a giant fuck you for withholding evidence in our systemic complaints. Oh and definitely fuck you for instructing the investigator to withhold the districts reply for 12 fucking days. The medical bills are stacking up and my tolerance for my prescription medication has been shot to shit because that’s how trauma works! It’s a new thing every single day. And currently I’m in the seventh level of hell because of the side effects from one of them. I’m not going to continue taking that one anymore. It’s definitely not helping my anxiety when it seems to cause more anxiety! I have horrible health anxiety triggers and WHEW! They’re all going off at once and it sucks!